How To Tell Someone That You Have Herpes or “Having The Talk”
- Always tell your partner(s) about herpes BEFORE you have sexual contact with them, and give them enough time to read up on it and become better informed before deciding whether or not to have intimate contact with you. Do NOT wait until you are about to jump on each other and throw caution to the wind. And do not wait until AFTER you sleep with them! Honesty is always the best policy. Even if you are only interested in a casual relationship, your partner deserves to know the facts before making the decision to become intimate with you. If you do not feel comfortable enough to talk to a potential partner about herpes and other STDs, then you are NOT ready to have sexual contact with them. Wait until you feel ready to have “the talk.”
- Stay calm when discussing “H.” Remember, it’s a very common virus that about 25% of US adults already have. For most people who have it, symptoms are infrequent or mild or mistaken for something else – so much so that up to 90% of the people who have it, don’t even know it. You’re a normal person who just happens to have “H”. Your friend will take their cues from you. If you make “H” sound like a bigger deal than it is, they’ll be more concerned.
- Instead of saying “I have herpes,” say “I carry the virus for herpes.” Think about it. If you say “I have herpes,” it makes it sound like you are currently having an outbreak and that you are always contagious. If you say “I carry the virus for herpes,” and something about how often you do or do not get outbreaks, it sounds like a manageable issue. For instance, up to 80% of people carry the virus HSV1, which causes cold sores around the mouth, and can also be transmitted to the genitals during oral sex. But you don’t hear most people saying that they “have herpes” just because they carry the virus HSV1 and occasionally get cold sores.
- Explain to him/her that there are many types of herpes, and that one of the most common is HSV1 – which is usually the cause of “cold sores” around the mouth. Up to 80% of the US population already has HSV1 and got it sometime during their childhood from kissing, etc. HSV1 can also be spread to the genitals during oral sex. “Shingles” are caused by yet another strain of herpes – herpes zoster – same virus that causes Chicken Pox. Epstein-Barr and Mononucleosis are also different strains of the herpes virus. HSV2 is just a different strain of this same common virus.
- Because HSV2 is so common – yet so few people who have it have been properly diagnosed – it is possible that your friend might already have the virus and not know it. And even if he/she doesn’t have it, odds are that 1 in every 4 of his/her previous sexual partners had herpes, even if they didn’t know it and were not showing any symptoms. You might recommend that he/she get one of the new, very reliable type-specific blood tests for HSV2 (and/or HSV1). Click here for information on herpes blood tests.
- Sleeping with someone who has HSV2 does NOT mean that you are automatically going to get it, too. There are many couples in which one partner has HSV2 and the other partner does not. Although there are no absolute guarantees, there are many things you can do to greatly reduce the risk of transmission. Click here to learn how to reduce the risk of transmission. Also, since you already know that you have herpes and are taking precautions to reduce the risk of spreading it, he/she has a bigger risk of getting herpes from any of the other 1 in 4 people with herpes who don’t KNOW that they have it and are taking NO precautions.
- Herpes is just a virus. It does not define who you are. Everyone has “stuff” to deal with in their lives, and this is just one of the cards that you were dealt. In the scheme of things, there are so many worse problems to have in a relationship – lying, cheating, poor communication, values differences, anger management problems, drug or alcohol abuse, lack of time, low self-esteem, or more serious health problems. If Herpes is your biggest issue, you’re a true catch!
- Give your friend time to do some research on herpes – but also tell him/her where to find that info. For instance, there are some links to great herpes info on this website. You might want to print out some pages on this website and give them to him/her as a starting point. Ask him/her to take whatever time they need to go over the information and to feel free ask you any questions if they want. If they care about you enough, they will take the time to learn the facts about herpes.
- Remember, you are doing your friend a favor by educating him/her about herpes. Even if he/she decides not to move forward in the relationship, he/she is only deciding to reject the herpes – not you personally. But you also might be pleasantly surprised at his/her reaction. They may so impressed by your honesty and ability to discuss a difficult topic – that they are more attracted to you than ever.
- Warning: If you tell someone that you have genital herpes – and they don’t seem to care or want to know more about it – and they want to sleep with you anyway without using protection – this is a bad sign. Many people have other STDs but show no symptoms, don’t get tested for STDs between partners, and think they are “clean” when in fact, they are not. If you sleep with someone without using protection, you may get another STD on top of herpes. Or if the other person later has a herpes outbreak, they may blame you – even though it was their decision not to use protection. Be responsible – always use protection.
- No matter what happens, your friend will think more highly of you for being so honest with him/her and showing that you care about his/her health. It will also show that you are a responsible, ethical person who is willing and able to discuss “difficult” issues. These qualities will set you apart from the many people out there who might not disclose such things – just so that they can sleep with someone. You’re not like those people. So unless he or she is only looking for casual sex, they will recognize that you’re someone they should not discard simply because of a silly and very manageable virus.
- Should you tell your previous partners that you have genital herpes? The answer to this question depends on the individual. If you think you acquired HSV relatively recently – for instance, in the past year – then it may make sense to contact those more recent partners to let them know that it’s possible that they were *exposed* to herpes, and suggest that they get tested. Remember, even if they test positive, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they got herpes from you. They may have already had herpes and didn’t know it. And it’s possible that you got herpes from one of those previous partners. It doesn’t matter anymore who gave herpes to whom. What does matter is that anyone who is sexually active should get tested for herpes, and learn how to reduce their risk of getting or spreading herpes and other STD’s. If you would like to notify your previous partners anonymously, there is an online service called InSpot that can send them an anonymous email (if you have their email address). For more info, go to http://www.inspot.org/
Good luck!
The information provided helped pick up my self-esteem and I want to give someone a choice, which was not given to me. Ineed to find a support group of people like me. Thank you
My new great looking friend who’s a lot of fun just told me he has Herpes, and I am impressed at his level of communication, responsibility, and maturity. I understand that Herpes is manageable, and that it doesn’t have to spread if common sense and maturity around sexual interactions are employed. I am even more impressed with him for telling me up front. It feels good to begin something with someone who is capable of honesty, even when it’s difficult for him to reveal his truths.
This is a very tough thing to deal with at first. I like the ideas expressed here. I was recently diagnosed with “H”. I’m pretty sure I got it from someone that was dishonest, and I never want to do that to someone else. It is their right to have a choice. I won’t lie. I’m scared to death of the whole dating scene right now. I know that I have quite a bit to offer someone in a relationship, and I will love like I have never loved before, but I am having a hard time seeing that people will look past this. While it is a very manageable condition, there is a lot of scary information out there. Unfortunately, I have not come to grips with myself yet and stopped looking at myself as being ruined because of what someone did to me even though I was never given the choice.
I just found out I have “H” a few weeks ago from my boyfriend and he was so upset that he had given it to me becuase I was in so much pain and he didnt get a bad break out. Now things arent working out with him and I am scared to break up with him becuase I feel stuck and nobody would ever want to be with me because of the “H” but this makes me feel a little more confident in my decisions, I still feel very trapped though.
I was dating someone who turned out to be cheating on me. I had no idea he had hsv2 – never saw an outbreak on him or anything. Now I have hsv2 AND hsv1. LADIES: when you have your period, you are at a greater risk for having an outbreak. I had my first outbreak during my monthly cycle, and again on my next. Now I take acyclovir every day and haven’t had an outbreak since. It says you’re supposed to take one in the morning and one at night, but my doctor told me a lot of her patients just cut it down to one a day – so I did that to save me a little money on the meds and it works just fine.
It’s interesting to me that so many people like to “blame” somebody else for giving them herpes, as if a) they believe that the person from whom they contracted herpes “knew” that they had herpes, even though 90% of people who have herpes DON’T KNOW IT, and b) they themselves never asked their doctor for a herpes blood test the last time they were tested for STD’s, so they don’t know if they might have contracted herpes from a previous lover and not the one they were sleeping with before their diagnosis. I was married to a man for 3 years before I had my first genital herpes outbreak, and after we both took herpes blood tests, it turned out that he had HVS1 only and I had both HSV1 and HSV2. My genital outbreak was culture tested as HSV2. So I got genital herpes from a previous partner, who likely also didn’t know that he had HSV2 or could pass it to somebody else.
If you never took a herpes blood test for HSV1/HSV2 before your most recent lover, and then you happen to get your first genital herpes outbreak, it definitely does NOT mean you got it from your most recent lover! You might have gotten it from a former lover years before. Everyone should get tested regularly if you really want to know your herpes status. In any case, I’ve learned that having NO noticeable STD symptoms – does NOT mean that you do not have an STD.
Admin Insert: Get a Herpes Blood Test!
I feel the same way as most people here. This article made me smile, laugh and think yeah, that’s true! I’m not angry just sad that this has happened to me. I didn’t cry like I thought I would have. My doctor is great talked to me at length and told me it was manageable. Does it scare the crap out of me to even think about dating? Yes! But like I told the Dr., at least you’re not telling me I have HIV. I was careful in a commited relationship for the past year. He decided to break up with me July 2nd. Is it because he gave this to me? I don’t know and it wouldn’t change anything at this point anyway. I’ll deal with it the best I can and be informed.
It helps knowing I’m not the only one.
This article is great. I have a friend with “H” and it seems everytime she tells a guy about it he runs for the hills. I sent her this article to see if she could get different results. She started dating a guy a month ago and was really nervous about telling him because she really liked him. I gave her this article and she loved it and used the advice from it and when she told him last weekend he told her thank you for being honest with me and he said that he still wanted to date her YAY!! I am happy for her. Thanks for this article.
HSV-2 scares me not because of the biological condition (the itching is just as bad as getting a rash from anything else) but the stigma that surrounds it sexually.
There is a cure being worked on and is currently in research phase with some hopeful results, but a lack of funding.
Maybe this site and others could look into it and help donate? I’m not trying to spam. I’m just hoping to cure my sadness.
http://wraltechwire.com/business/tech_wire/biotech/story/3181677/
Professor Bryan Cullen
Duke University
Im SO thrilled to read this. Im 43 & contracted H back when I was about 26. I was dating someone new when I got dx (had gotten it from a previous guy, who when I thought back, DID have this tiny bump on his penis & I stupidly ignored it. It was a 1 nite stand). At the time the guy I was with was very supportive (I sobbed) & we were married 10 yrs. Since then Ive dated & slept with a few men. Some i told, some I didnt. The major relationship i told was pretty freaked out & we never had intercourse because of it. So the next relationship, my last one that ended 6 months ago, we’d dated 2 yrs & I never told him. I dont ever want THAT stress again. I know i should have told him. SO, Im in a new relationship with a very mature guy. Its only been a couple weeks but i know we are on the verge of sex. So ive GOT to tell him. This article helped SO much. Instead of “I have herpes” & am absolutely going to say “I carry the herpes virus”. Fingers crossed!
i think the information in this article was very uplifting for me..when i first found out about myself i was completely devastated. i couldn’t help but think “who would want someone like me?’ i was very depressed and angry..I’m not promiscuous either but I thought about all the people I know who sleep with any and everyone and are clean and I slipped up once and this was the result. I like this article because I have had such difficult times trying to tell someone I’m involved with about this virus. I just never seem to know when the best time is to tell them. This article really helped me piece that together.
I found out 2 and a half years ago that I have HSV2. I’m not sure if I contracted it from my then boyfriend (who frequently cheated with an old friend of his) or if it were from an older relationship. I was angry, hurt, and thought that my life was over. I stayed in that relationship until about 4 months ago (we were together 5yrs 8mos) and he still saw other women outside our relationship. He also has HSV2 and since our break up I have not dated anyone else. I’m terrified of telling the next guy I date. That fear is one of the reasons why I stayed in a bad relationship so long. I will eventually venture out to date again and have found a new friend that carries the same virus that I do to talk to and confide in. The dating websites out there help to ease the burden of having to have that discussion. I loved this article as well and now know that I don’t have to hit someone over the head with the news of my condition but, rather gently inform them on my status. The article was much appreciated!!
Torrey
This article was much appreciated. I am in a polyamorous triad and have just been diagnosed with the “H”. I believed we were all very committed to each other, but last night my metamour told my lover that he had to make a choice, since they both are still testing negative, he has to choose me or her. I don’t know where or when I first contracted it, and at this point I don’t care. That of course is all my metamour can think about. I have yet to have any actual symptoms, it was just a random annual checkup that Dx’d it. Chances are I’ve had it for quite awhile. So now what.. I feel like a leper in the room now. The freak. On the plus side, my lover has tried to reassure me that if she truly pushes this choice, she will lose as he can’t respect her to just expect him to toss me aside after all we’ve been through and he loves me. But I keep thinking how I should gracefully just walk away and let them go on with their “clean” lives. Be the martyr here. I AM the freak now. It just frustrates me to no end, the social stigma attached to “H”. When you have cold sores on your lips, nobody places the same stigma as having cold sores on your genitals. It’s still a fracken cold sore! Heck, at least on your genitals it’s not on display for everyone to see! Ok I am babbling.. I have no idea where my relationship is going to go from here. The guilt I feel for bringing this into our circle, though not knowingly, will probably destroy us. But I do appreciate articles like this that help to reassure me that my life may not be totally over. I’m so scared now I am going to just end up old and alone.
This article and comments give me some form of hope. I to stayed in a bad relationship simply because I felt trapped. I am now interested in someone who is interested in me as well. I have to feel out the situation as far as when a good time to tell him would be. I honestly think he would except it from me. But would it be wrong to wait until we are close to having sex? What if he falls in love with me? Would it be wrong to tell him after I knew he was in love with me?
I’ve lived w/ “H” for over 9 years, thanks to a husband that cheated while I was pregnant. I’ve almost always been upfront and honest. Unfortunately, almost isn’t good enough. The one person that I actually let my walls down for I didn’t tell because our relationship started out too quickly. By too quickly I mean unprotected sex. After that I just wasn’t sure how to tell him. We live on opposite coasts and I didn’t know exactly what his expectations were. I finally told him and he’s understandbly hurt. We’ve had protected sex most of the time, but even using protection isn’t %100 effective. He’s right, I should have told him sooner.The question that hurts the most is “Why don’t you care enough about me to just be honest and let me choose for myself.” No matter what happens, I’ll never make this mistake again. I’d rather lose someone because I was honest than lose someone later because the truth was uncomfortable or embaressing.
I found out yesterday I had H. The first thing I said to my doctor after he diagnosed me was….” Doc they aint got no cure for that right”. My doctor prescribed Valtrex for me. I had to tell my girlfriend this morning of my condition and told her to get checked. I have not had sex with her for over a month due to my travel so I hope she checks out ok. Im very scared and if my gf does leaves me, I thought I would be alone and never find love again. This web site and the responses have truely giving me hope in living with H and finding true love again if my gf does not stay. Thanks
Found out yesterday I have H
I have HSV and for the first time in my life may be the one explaining it to someone. I had received the talk and made the choice to stay in the relationship years ago and now I am on the verge of Divorce. I’m afraid of the stigma out there, it really isn’t a big deal, I have 1-2 outbreaks a year and it isn’t even painful. Most think it is a life ender.
I just recently told my boyfriend that I have been carrying the virus and it wasn’t a subtle conversation because were both laying in bed and I felt I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Especially after the first two times we slipped up and had sexual intercourse, both times, protection was used, and our misjudgement from having a few drinks led to it, he gave me a hug and told me not to cry. After I told him, my heart just sank to my stomach, I thought I was going to be sick
but after talking to him and telling him that it’s a manageable virus, things happen and he accepted me and told me that he wasn’t going to leave me. I was so happy to know that. He told me he was only mad because he knew something was wrong but I was making excuses not to talk about it. I went to his work today and visit with him for a few minutes, came home and he text me and said he was glad to see me (: I feel a lot of weight has been lifted off my shoulders now and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I know I should have told him before we had sex but it is in the past and now that he knows, we both know the precautions and what we need to do to prevent him from getting it. I’m really happy he decided to accept me for what I have because this isn’t something you want to hold in forever until it’s too late and then you have that possibility of ruining your relationship with someone. I’m glad things are gonna be okay now for the both of us.
This article is good but this is just the basic information you need to get started. To have consistent success or to ensure that when you tell someone you are not rejected you must go deeper and learn a lot more.
1. Your self confidence is critical. If you expect to be rejected then guess what…You will be. Build up your self-esteem and get rid of those limiting beliefs about herpes and yourself. Self-confidence is the sum of your behaviors and attitudes that demonstrate your independence, security and attractiveness. A lot of people associate self-confidence with self-esteem. Although they do feed and reinforce one another they are not quite the same. Self-esteem is your acceptance and comfort with yourself. Self-confidence is the observable portion of your self-esteem. Work hard to accept that HSV is a part of you and develop self-confidence and you’ll have success.
2. Practice having the Conversation. This is another critical factor that will greatly increase your chances of not being rejected. The language that you use to tell someone (as noted in the article) will drastically affect how your partner will react. Be positive and don’t be dramatic. You could say, “I have herpes which is an extremely painful and incurable sexually transmitted disease. If you decide that you want to continue to date me, it’s in your best interest to get tested” or your could say something like, “I just wanted to let you know that I have cooties! Not really cooties, they are a lot more serious than what I have. I carry the virus that causes herpes. It’s really not the monster that it’s made out to be. I watch my diet, get a reasonable amount of exercise and control the stress in my life. I also take medication that drastically reduces it’s physical effects and it reduces the chances of transmitting it. With just a reasonable amount of caution, I can have a safe and extremely fulfilling sex life too!” See the difference?
Another important tip to remember is…
No action works unless it comes from the proper belief system and mindset!
Again, this is just the beginning but if you practice having The Talk and build up your self-confidence you’ll do just fine.
Thanks so much for this site! I’m re-entering the dating world after many years of marriage. I was so concerned about how to broach this subject with new people. this site is a big help.
thanks! but this helped releave some fears, although i intend on telling someone im interested in about my condition tonight. very scared i am but it has to get said! i dont like the lies and deception. i didnt get a fair chance and was not careless in my choices. I was the type to go to the gyn every 6 months to a year, carry male and female condoms, tell me friends to get checked, and still… this happened to me. its hard being that i am still young and want more children, but its apart of who i am now and have to grow up and be adult about it. still its painfull never knowing who it came from or how long ive had it.
Thanks for this helpful info. I met this guy and he just told me today that he might have the Herpes Virus. In my line of work I see people everyday that take Valtre, Acyclovir,and Zovirax. By him telling me this I gained so much respect for him. And I hope like to date him. My concern is what if this relationship goes farther ad decide we want kids. How will that work?
Cindy – If this new guy you are dating thinks he “might” have Herpes, why doesn’t he go get the Herpes 1&2 blood tests done so that he knows for sure? Since condoms are not a foolproof way to prevent spreading herpes to a partner, he should be getting his doctor to prescribe Valacyclovir (aka Valtrex) which can significantly reduce the incidence of asymptomatic shedding and therefore reduce the risk of spreading herpes to you as well. If someday you want to have children, it is only a risk to your baby if you are having a breakout of a new herpes infection at the time of birth. In that case, you’d probably opt for a Caesarian Section. However, most women with herpes are able to have normal vaginal deliveries without incident (as long as they’re not having a breakout.) In any event, the best way to reduce your risk of getting herpes from this person is for him to get tested properly so he knows what he has, and then he can get a prescription for Valtrex so that you have a greatly reduced risk of getting it too. Good luck! DWH
To the hopeless,
I found out that I had contracted herpes the day after my 21st birthday. I had been in a great deal of pain and I KNEW I had an STD. I went to the emergency room in the middle of the night because in addition to the fact that I was in so much pain, I started experiencing flu symptoms. Needless to say, i got really scared and broke down and went to the ER. There the doctor told me that I had contracted herpes. I knew immediately where I had gotten it from. Roughly two weeks earlier, I had slept with a guy after a night of drinking that I had been seeing. That next morning I deeply regretted it because it had been way too soon and I was not even sure I liked him that much. So, when I found out I had herpes, I felt like I had to make things work with him because who else was I going to get? I told him and he was supportive, which was great, but we were devastated. I laid in bed for three days and cried my eyes out. I remember I went to WalMart to pick up my prescription and I felt like I was in a bad dream. I felt like everyone else in that store was normal and I was an outsider with this disease. As time went on, I reluctantly started dating that guy although deep down I knew he was not the one. I tried to move forward the best I could but the herpes was always in the back of my mind. Even times when I was happy, I wasn’t completely happy because I knew that I had herpes and felt like I could never have the love or the life that I truly wanted. Things did not work out with my boyfriend and I got the courage to leave him. I was always a confident person and I still wanted to take my chances and possibly find the true love of my life. From that point forward, I prayed to God every night. Over Thanksgiving break, I ran into my old high school sweetheart. We quickly rekindled the amazing love we once had. I prayed to God saying “Please Lord, give me the courage to tell him about my herpes and please let him be loving and accepting and see me for the person I am and not my herpes.” I prayed this prayer every night for months. My old high school sweetheart and I feel deep in love all over again but it wasn’t perfect because deep down i felt like I was keeping a nasty secret from him. I couldn’t even think about our future because I didn’t know if there would be one. One day, I got the courage that I had prayed for and broke down and told him. I said, “I carry the virus that causes herpes,” because I thought it sounded better than “I have herpes.” I rambled on and on about it telling him how much I loved him and how much I hoped he would still want to be with me. Finally, when I stopped talking, he smiled. He said that he thought I was going to tell him something a lot worse than that. His exact words were, “Is it weird that it doesn’t bother me?” I instantly started crying with relief. He told me that he loves me for ME and that when you love someone you don’t just leave them over something little like that. I couldn’t believe that the thing i had been agonizing over for months was considered a “little thing” to him. That night I prayed to God to thank him for making my dreams come true. I am here to tell you that if you feel hopeless.. pray. God has someone out there for every single one of you. God has a plan for each of you. Please keep the faith and remember that you ARE worthy of the life you really want. Someone WILL love and accept you I promise!
I was told that I have one form or H but they don’t know which one. I was getting bumps on my genitals so I went to see a doctor and he told me more than likely I do have it. I never felt any of the symptoms except for the bumps. I started to get these bumps as soon as I met this girl who I am starting to fall in love with and Now I have to try and tell her. She’s really into me and is the type to try and help people, but I mean, how is she going to act when i tell her this. I feel so lost and alone. I have been postponing our having sex because she’s getting anxious already and it’s only been about two months. I was given a prescription for Famvir and I also have Sarcoidosis so I’m taking prednisone on top of this prescription. my symptoms have not gone aways becuase I shouldn’t take it while I have this auto-immune disorder. She has accepted my auto immune, but this H came out of nowhere since I haven’t had sex in about two years. all of a sudden, since my immune system is compromised because of the prednisone and I truly believe it brought on this outbreak. My outbreak isn’t so bad and I have taken the ten day regimen, but I’ve yet to see my bumps reduced…they’re not pus-y or anything, they’re just there…I wonder if I’ll have to take that drug again after I’m off of my prednisone since it’s not working from what I gather. it’s my first OBreak and I heard it takes about four weeks and they get weaker as time passes. I hope she’s understanding to this, but I do fear her reaction as she’s an actress who actually gets good roles and I’m not trying to infect her at all.
If you have bumps on your genitals, but not sores, then you may have genital warts (HPV), and not Herpes (HSV). Please check our website for the information on Herpes Diagnosis, and get a blood test for HSV1 and HSV2, so you know what you have. If the Blood Test shows that you have HSV2, then you have genital herpes. Most people will test positive for HSV1 because 60-80% of adults have occasional cold sores, which is caused by HSV1. http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpesdiagnosis
Here’s an article on genital warts in men. http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/hpv-genital-warts/hpv-virus-men. Genital Warts (HPV) and Herpes (HSV) are not the same thing and if you are not properly diagnosed, then you may be taking the wrong medication. You might want to see a DIFFERENT doctor who will give you a Herpes Blood Test and not just make a guess about what you have. Until you know what you have, and get the right treatment, you should hold off on having sex with anyone. I’m sure your girlfriend does not want to have sex while your immune system is down. Use this time to get to know your girlfriend better and show her what a great guy you are. Good luck!
I met a guy a couple of months ago who I think is my soulmate. He is a Christian, single parent and the best the best thing that has happened to me in the past 11 years. We had unprotected sex once. I realized that I had to tell him about my having H for 30 years because he had a kidney transplant in the past. I wished I would have read this article before I told him. I expected the worse….like yelling, telling me to get out of his house and not ever wanting to see me again. He was very understanding and had a lot of questions. I have been crying a lot because I put him at risk and I am thinking that I should just walk away because I do not want to jeopardize his well being. I have been praying everyday because there seems to be distance growing between us. I am going to just have to give him time to digest this situation and whatever happens happens. I feel I did the right thing and told him but I still feel empty and alone. I am just going to continue to pray.
I found out I have HSV2 about 6 yrs ago and was completely devastated! I felt I got it from a boyfriend who was abusive to me because I only got symptoms during the relationship. I didn’t find out until I got away from him and moved out of state. I wish my dating life was as good as the ones I am reading about. I have only dated a few guys in the past 6 yrs…I have told most of them and a couple I didn’t because it got too physical too soon. The ones I told were okay with it but the relationship didn’t work for other reasons. I have really put up a wall trying not to get involved with men at all beyond a friendship. I truly want a boyfriend/husband who will love me for me and not just because they are sexually atrracted to me and then run off when they find out I carry the HSV2 virus. For the past 2 yrs, I have met many men who I dated without any physical involvement and did not pursue a relationship with any of them because of other reasons (no real connection, etc.). Well I did let my guard down to a casual friend who I never thought of me in that way and I didn’t want to get physical with him without telling him upfront that I carry the HSV2 virus. We ended up having sex (I tried so hard to keep it from happening but we were both so attracted to each other and I haven’t had sex in a long time). I felt so bad that after a few days I knew I had to tell him…he didn’t believe me at first. We talked about how often I have flareups (maybe once a year) and they are very mild. I take herbal supplements and apply a herbal oil every day. I don’t really think about it unless I feel like I want to take it to that level. This guy was saying everything I wanted to hear…how he wants to be in a relationship, to be married, etc. Now that I told him, I could tell he started acting differently…I knew in my heart he would not pursue the relationship with me and I broke down and asked him point blank…he said I was everything he was looking for in a woman but couldn’t mentally get past the fact that I have “H” virus. He feels this is a big decision to make unless we decide we are going to spend the rest of our lives together…he said it sucks because he really likes me and I was completely heartbroken!!! The 1 person I decide to let my guard down with & he cannot mentally deal with this! I told him many people have the virus and don’t know it unless they get the blood test. I told him you could have it from someone in your past unless you get tested. I think it scared him to think that he could still get it from me and then have it forever…I truly think he just wanted a casual sexual relationship until he found out my status…he didn’t really give me a chance. He hurts so much because he claims I have all the traits he is looking for…it just hurts to know that I am being rejected….I am so devastated right now and truly feel I will never find a man who loves me for me…I don’t have kids and at my age (42) probably won’t have any….just sad because I have so much love to offer and feel he is missing out because of this…now I don’t want to date anyone at all for fear of liking them and having to go thru telling them I carry the HSV2 virus and getting rejected all over again!! I truly feel I will be alone for the rest of my life
Googled “dating with Herpes” and stumbled across this site……
Just make sure you are not having an outbreak while you are in labor.
I have had H for over 20 years~ and now dating again after a divorce. Have told 5 men since my divorce(6 yrs ago) and 2 had H too! the other 2 did not care, and one did care~ he claimed he just did not have time to date, but I know better. I am dating again, and nervous once again~! lol
Going on a date soon with a new man, and scared to have the “talk” ….obviously I won’t tell him right away, and will wait a few weeks. But…..just hate this part. But, I like this article for how it says not to blurt out ” i have Herpes”……and to say it differently. The word virus does not sound as bad……and yes, MILLIONS have it in the US. It is just the darn stigma. My daughter is starting to date, and I warn her often about STD’s….she does not know I have it though. More and more young people are getting STD’s. I have been lucky, and have had only one man reject me after telling him. It hit my self esteem bad, but I do know that things could be much worse. I have loved and been loved~ and that is wonderful. And I have my kids…….no c-sections either. and they were both born fine!
Good luck to all~ it is NOT a death sentence and things will get better. Faith.
I found out that I have H too,. I found out April 2010. I have been in abusive relationship since November 05′ I wanted to tell him but was in fear of him hurting me or breaking up all my things. I truly believe he gave it to me. I am 30 with no kids and depressed. He the now ex found out this year 2011 at some point I had the prescription in my drawer buried under stuff and he found it..WOW!!! He wanted for me to go to my family function and left it out for me to see when I got back.. I have been crying every since it was Christmas day damn……I wonder will he ever call me then I think hell I hope not he was unhealthy anyway.. My life is messed up and not sure what I am going to do with myself I’m tired and feel like dying………………
Sounds like you need to join a Herpes Support Group or talk to someone. Here are some resources:
National Herpes Hotline: 919-361-8488
Picking Up The Pieces – a Moderated Yahoo Group for Herpes and STD support –
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pickingupthepieces/
And it may be good to also join a Herpes Social or Support Group in your city. For more info, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpessocialandherpessupportgroups/
I am literally sitting at work right now trying not to burst into a million tears. Some of these stories help me, and others just make me even more terrified of my current situation as well as the future. I just found out today that I have H. It hurts to even say the word. I’m almost certain my ex gave it to me, when I was younger even before I became active I’d have a little bump but not as often I as I do now that im older. They started out just as one, and I don’t care how mild or small I went to my gyn for every last one of them and had him swab and perform an entire test for all the darn std’s no matter how many times he told me it wasn’t H, I refused to believe him. So finally I went against his orders and got the blood test, and BOOM. Here the heck I am with this. Im a little angry with myself for listening to him, I should’ve gotten tested the first time I had two at the same dang time. He said they are nothing like herpes. Even now that im diagnosed he refuses to connect my small bump to herpes. They are small and I may get one or two around my period time. He insist that they are inciste bumps or something like that. He says that in his opinion I’ve never had an outbreak or he would’ve been told me to take the blood test. Well now I cant stop the tears, as I am GOD fearing woman and I Love Jesus with all my heart, I know he wont put something on me that I cant handle, however I hope he forgives me for thinking that this is exactly what I get. I feel as though I asked for this the day I didn’t make my ex strap up after finding out he was cheating, or possibly before him. Now im in love again with my childhood sweetheart he’s 21 im 23. We are not in a relationship, but our families are very close, and we act almost like we are in one. We all just celebrated my uncles bday together. His uncle married my aunt. We have plans on being in a committed relationship soon, he claims he’s not ready because he cant provide for me the way he believes a man should. He wants to be able to be there for me no matter what, so he’s getting that in order. I’ve been hurt so I believe him to a certain extent, lets just say we’ll see. Or at least that’s what I thought before I found out about my H. We’ve already been active 2x without protection and I fear I may have passed it to him. I love him sooooo much but im not sure how he feels about me. I know he cares about me due to our families being so close, but I don’t know if he cares enough to still carry out our plan on being together after finding out I have something like this. Im scared, and I have a headache from crying so much. If I tell him, and he rejects me I still have to face him at functions and family outings. Even now he and I have darn near been living together over my aunts because me and my parents are in the middle of a move, and she is my closes relative near my job her son is his favorite cousin so he’s always there. Im so scared, and hurt. Others in my family have it, even one of my parents so it’s possible I was born with the virus. The others in my fam are happily married and says its not that serious. They say people with gohnorrea and chlamydia or H.I.V have more to worry about because those can kill you, but H is like chicken pocs it stays in your system and as long as you take your medicine it wont bother you. But im still scared my guy wont like me or want me romatically. **still crying**
1) Your doctor is obviously out-of-date about herpes and what he thinks he “knows” is false. He doesn’t even bother to look for more recent information on herpes diagnosis. Definitely get a new doctor!
2) If you “love” your boyfriend so much, and don’t want to spread herpes to him, then why aren’t you using condoms? How can someone trust you in a relationship if you are not honest with them about herpes and protecting them by using condoms and maybe by taking suppressive therapy too? It’s possible but very unlikely that he already got herpes from you if you’ve only had sex twice. But if he’s had unprotected sex with other women in the past, and if one in 4 or 5 women has HSV2 and doesn’t know it, then it’s possible that he might already have herpes from someone else. But assuming that he doesn’t have herpes, it’s not too late to start using condoms now! Be more responsible. See our page about Reducing Herpes Risk for information on how to protect your partner! http://www.datingwithherpes.org/reducingyourrisk/
I dated a guy for 7 months….I was totally in love with him..and he with me..or so I thought. We always used a condom. We never once had unprotected sex. He ended the relationship and I found out afterwards that he has Herpes. I found a prescription for Valtrex that he had….he has still not told me himself that he has herpes and I never told him that I knew since I found out after he ended the relationship.
Is it possible to have Herpes but not have a breakout? I see alot of people say you should be tested since many people carry the virus without even knowing about it. But I am wondering..if I dated him for 7 months but did not have unprotected sex…could I go for a no. of years never ever having a first outbreak..yet still carry the virus?
Yes, it is very possible to have genital herpes but never have a noticeable break-out. Since you say you always used condoms, and if he was taking Valtrex as suppressive therapy, then there is a very low chance that you got herpes from him. Taking Valtrex and using condoms is a really good way to reduce the risk of spreading herpes. Too bad that he didn’t also mention his herpes status to you. A little honesty would have been nice! But to be 100% sure that you don’t have herpes, you really should get a herpes blood test. If you never took a herpes blood test before now, it’s also possible that IF you test positive, that you may have gotten herpes from a past partner, not necessarily your most recent partner. Many people have herpes for years and DON’T KNOW IT.
I went to the gynecologist for the first time last friday. I am 16. I went because I have recurring cuts in my perineum. She told me that I probably have HSV2. I’m only a junior in high school and I’m completely devastated. Most of the people commenting on this have already been married and are older adults. I haven’t even been to college yet. What if I find a boy that I really love in college and he won’t want to be intimate with me? I’ve only had sex with 2 people, one of them being an unfaithful boyfriend who I was completely in love with, I’m pretty sure he gave me the virus. I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten my results back yet so I’m still hopeful but I think the chances are high that I have it. If i do, I’m not going to tell my parents or my friends. I think they’ll think differently of me and then rumors will go around my school and what not. Does anyone have any advice for when I go away to school or anything?
I was diagnosed with Herpes 6 years ago. I got it from my boyfriend at the time who denied knowing he had it (I later found out he was completely aware of his condition). He was only my 3rd parter so naturally, I was devastated when I tested positive for hsv2. After this I avoided relationships for years. I was convinced that no one would want me, I was convinced I was dirty and unworthy. Finally, after talking to my doctor and realizing how common this condition was, I began to date again. I have had two boyfriends since him and neither of them were bothered at all when I told them about my condition. We used condoms occasionally but not all the time. I took antiviral drugs when I suspected an outbreak and neither of them ever got it. I am currently seeing an amazing guy for a year solid. He was negative when we started dating and got tested again this week and was still negative. I just wanted people to know there is hope, this is not the end of the world and you WILL find people who understand and accept it. Anyone who is educated and cares about you will usual see it a minor inconvenience. Hope this helped someone out!
I have been dating someone for a month and I told him about my HSV2. I havent have had any problems or outbreaks in months, and after the first time we had sex he contracted HSV2. He told me his is more angry with himself for not researching enough, but I know he has to be angry with me, how could he not be, its human to feel anger. Well now he said he needs his “space to deal with it” and its been 5 days and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t want to contact him because he asked for space, but I do want him to know I am thinking of him and this isn’t a careless matter to me. I am so confused as to what I should do… Any thoughts?
Did he have a herpes outbreak soon after sleeping with you? Or was he diagnosed via a blood test? Does he know if he has HSV1 or HSV2? Because if he only slept with you once and did not have an outbreak, but instead took a herpes blood test, then his herpes may have been a pre-existing condition. Or if his genital outbreaks are HSV1, then he may have gotten genital herpes from oral sex – which can happen to anyone. In any case, let him have his space if he needs it. You may want to send him a link to this site, http://www.datingwithherpes.org, and some of the support sites listed on this site, so that he can find the resources and answers he may need to better deal with his diagnosis.
If he did get herpes from you, you may need to take more precautions to prevent herpes transmission to future partners. For instance, always use condoms, and take Acyclovir or Valcyclovir daily as suppressive therapy – which can greatly reduce the the likelihood of asymptomatic shedding, and is very effective protection against spreading herpes (although nothing is 100% foolproof).
Hope your diagnosis is negative. But even if it’s not, herpes is definitely not the end of the world. Always use condoms 100% of the time, and take Acyclovir or Valcyclovir daily as suppressive therapy, and you’ll greatly reduce your likelihood of spreading herpes to any new partners. A lot of people your age have herpes and don’t know it – and since they don’t know it – they are not taking any precautions and someone is more likely to spread it that way. Fortunately for you, most guys your age are ruled by hormones and will probably be OK with sleeping with you as long as you are using the recommended precautions. Your biggest problem may be convincing them that they should get tested and that you always need to use condoms, etc. Read up on herpes diagnosis and reducing your risk (http://www.datingwithherpes.org/reducing-your-risk/ ) and make sure to educate your future partners so they can hopefully make an informed decision. Getting down on yourself is a common phase when you are first diagnosed, but really, herpes is such as small deal in the scheme of things and you can be a very safe partner if you take the right precautions. You’ll get past this and find the love you deserve. Really!
@ admin…. He told me he had a blister on his penis and he has never had that before and he tried to squeeze it and was unsuccessful. We did not have oral sex and the blister came within 5-6 days since we had intercourse, we used a condom, the condom did come off at the end however he did not enter me and there was some rubbing but no entrance…
I have been taking many vitamins such as lysine, aloe, magnesium, and a few more for the past few years to help keep my immune system strong. After him and I had the talk about my herpes he was very understanding and called the next day to say it was a hurdle not a deal breaker BUT he did request I start taking my valtrex daily since we would be intimate. I totally agreed that I should take the valtrex and started immediately, the problem is that I had only been taking it for 3 days before we had intercourse. He also did tell me the day after our herpes convo that he did do research the night after we talked but while on the phone telling me about the blisters he told me he wished he would of done more research and he was mad at himself more then me. I feel responsible, but I know I did the right thing by being mature and honest. I also sent him detailed info on my health over the past few years including herpes meds, outbreak info, valtrex info, when I had outbreaks, diagnosis, intial outbreak etc… so he was prepared when the doctor asked him about his partner.
Since our initial conversation I do not know if he has been to the doctor or the diagnosis… I want to give him space to think about his feelings but I also feel he should tell me if he has gone to the doctor and how it went. Right now I am completely in the dark and I have no clue whats going on with his health and mind… I fully understand if he needs time mentally to think about everything and he needs space as that is his comping method BUT I also feel he should inform me on his current diagnosis status. Not to sound selfish because I know this isnt about me but I feel like he should tell me whats going on with him.
I dont know what to say or do…. I feel like apologizing and saying sorry isnt appropriate because I didnt do anything wrong. I know after over a year this isnt the end of the world but in the beginning I felt like it was… I am so confused I wish I knew what he was thinking or diagnosis info… These have been the longest days ever!
Sounds like you did everything possible to prevent transmitting herpes to your partner. Unfortunately, there is still always a small chance of transmitting herpes even if you are taking daily Valtrex and using condoms properly. It does seem a little unusual that he would get herpes after having sex with you just once, using condoms and Valtrex. Unless he was previously tested for herpes via a type-specific blood test, it’s possible that he had herpes even before he met you. Sometimes people have herpes for years – but no outbreaks – until one day when they are a bit stressed out and their immune system is down – and THEN they finally have an outbreak. So let him go to the doctor, and he should get a blood test. That should be able to tell him if he had herpes before he met you, or if this is a new infection. And don’t beat yourself up about this. You were very honest and very responsible and did everything you could. Take Care.
I was diagniosed with H yesterday after many trips to the emergency room where I was told it was an infected hair follicle or contact dermatitis. I had to beg for a culture even though I had sores and all the other symptoms. I never felt so ill in my life.
So I had to tell my new partner. We had just had sex for the first time the week before so I assume I got it from him, but know that is not necessarily the case. He had just been tested for all STD’s recently and was baffled becasue he said he was clean. During research today I have read that herpes blood testing is not routine if no symptoms are present. He is going to go get tested now just to see of he was a carrier and did not know. It could of been me, I am not blaming him. He has said we can get through this together, so my fear of telling him was unfounded. It is why I told him so quickly, I did not want to make myself anymore miserable by putting it off. My question is; is he the most likely source of infection since he was a brand new partner or was that just highly coincidental that I had my first outbreak the same week I slept with him for the first time?
Your story sounds very familiar! Most people who carry the virus for genital herpes think they are “clean” because they assume that their doctor included a blood test for herpes when they were tested for other STD’s. But MOST doctors still do not include a blood test for herpes when they are drawing blood and testing their patients for other STD’s. You have to SPECIFICALLY REQUEST a herpes blood test, or else you probably have never been tested for herpes.
If you were never tested for herpes prior to your latest partner, and you have your first herpes outbreak a week after you first had sex with him, and if the specimen that was “culture tested” (not a blood test) and came out positve specific for HSV2 (the test needs to be able to specify HSV1 or HSV2, not just generic HSV), then if you get a type-specific herpes blood test right now, and your HSV2 antibody levels are too low to be detected, then this is a new HSV2 infection. It’s also possible that you might have an HSV1 infection – usually the result of oral sex, since 60-80% of adults int he US have HSV1, and about 30% of new genital herpes outbreaks are a result of HSV1. This is a real possibility – if your “culture” test was not type-specific. You need to find out what kind of “culture” test was done and if it was type-specific or not.
Whatever happens, please know that you are very normal and what you described is a very typical way for someone to get herpes and find out about it. Most people who have genital herpes are never properly tested or diagnosed, so they continue to think they are “clean” and may accidentally spread the virus to other partners – some of whom may have noticeable outbreaks while others do not. Just because someone “thinks” they are “clean” and “have no STD symptoms” does not mean that they don’t have an STD. They have to know exactly which STD’s their doctor tested them for – and when – and which tests – to really know their actual STD status. Most people don’t get into this level of detail with their doctors or their sexual partners. This has to change, because if people know that they have genital herpes, it can be easily managed and steps can be taken to greatly reduce transmission to other partners. But you’ve got to KNOW that you have herpes before you learn what the best precautions to take to protect your partners.
I have been reading all of your postings on this site. I wanted to write in and get your feedback on my situation. Someone I knew for a long time was interested in me and asked me out for along time and I never went. I moved away and he still contacted me after being gone for 2 years. He told me he has always been so interested in me and liked me and couldnt get me out of his mind. Well we had sex (unprotected). I didn’t have protection with me and told him that and I also stated that I didn’t have anything. He said ok, he didn’t either. (when we were leaving I looked in his toiletry kit and he had alot of condoms) So, I thought that was wierd because we had sex all weekedn with out them. Then we continued to see eachother long distance. Continually had sex without protection. Actually at one point I said I was late for my period and told him that we have to use something like condoms or pill etc. and he told me to get on the pill or patch. So, I went on the patch. Six months later he came down to see me. No keep in mind we are serious and committed and “in Love” or so he told me. He told me that he never felt this way before and he loved me . He came down to visit and cried and said that there is something he had to tell me. He said he couldn’t tell me because he was afraid he would lose me. He told me he had HSV2. I was so shocked because he LIED to me for such a long time and NEVER attempted to use protection. Then I asked him if he took anything for it and he said he took acyclovir. Well, I had HSV1 and I had the same medication. I suddenly didn’t trust him because I thought if he could like this long to me and put my health at risk then is he a liar? Well within the next week, he broke up with me and told me that if we didn’t have trust we didn’t have anything. He told me this!! I went and had a test and sure enough I had HSV2. I think I contracted it the first time I was with him because I felt sick, nauseous and achy and I broke out on my lips 2 days after and I had pain below. I loved the guy and forgave him for lying to me and told him that we will have to work and rebuild the trust and then he breaks up with me. Wild huh? Also, he had this since he was 22 years old and he is 46 yo. He said he has never told anyone and I also found out from other woman that he never used a condom with them. So, he has been going around passing this from woman to woman. And then to top it off, he says to me – you didn’t tell me about your HSV1 and that I put his health in danger. So, looking for your opinion here. I am devistated, so many guys have not wanted to be with me because of this STD.
Thanks
He’s a dishonest jerk, plain and simple. Dump him and move on. Unfortunately, herpes happens to both honest and dishonest people. @60 million Americans have genital herpes and there are herpes social and support groups all over the place where you can meet people, make friends, even find love and romance. No need to spend any more time with a lying jerk. For info on where to find the closest herpes social or support group near you, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpessocialandherpessupportgroups/
Millions of people in the USA have genital herpes and you need to get out and meet other people with herpes and see for yourself the many success stories about how to live and love with herpes. Herpes is not the end of your love life – it can be a new beginning. But you have to learn more about herpes, how to manage herpes, and how to best protect your partners against getting herpes. There are herpes social and support groups all over the USA where you can meet people, make friends, even find love and romance. For info on where to find the closest herpes social or support group near you, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpessocialandherpessupportgroups/
Also read about how to tell someone that you have herpes:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/tellingsomeone/
Good luck!
You really need to see a doctor and get a type-specific herpes IgG blood test for both HSV1 and HSV2. You should expect to test positive at least for HSV1, since you say you have occasional cold sores. If you also have HSV2, then you for sure have genital herpes. But you might not be able to determine with certainty how long you’ve had it or who you might have gotten it from, if you have never take the herpes blood test before now. Valtrex can be prescribed for both HSV1 and HSV2. It is often prescribed for cold sores around the mouth, not just genital herpes. Since you are not talking to him, you cannot ask him if he was taking Valtrex for cold sores or for genital herpes, or if he was taking Valtrex daily as suppressive therapy (preventative) or only occasionally for episodic therapy (to treat an active outbreak). That information might have helped. In the meantime, get yourself properly diagnosed and ask the rest of your questions to a doctor and join a herpes support group or herpes social group where you can talk specifically about your own case. This site cannot diagnose you or your ex-boyfriend or answer questions specific to your own case. Each person is different.
I’m pretty sure I contracted herpes from my wife about two years ago. Obviously I cant be sure but we split up for about a half a year and she admitted to being a little “promiscious” during our split. Within 3 months of coming back I got an outbreak and they became pretty regular for the first year. ITs become more manageable now and I think I probably only have about 2-3 outbreaks a year now and they barely last a day or two. Obvioulsy I havent forgetten about the virus but I really dont think of it much.
Well here’s my dilemma my wife and I split permanently about 6 months ago and I started dating very recently. The problem is I had unprotected sex after a few drinks with someone and then after I had already done that couldnt get myself to tell her. I foolishly just kept going with it and unfortunately have begun to really like her and really need to tell her. I did start using protection but we’d already slept together unprotected maybe 5 or 6 times. I’m about 99% sure I’ve already blown it but I just couldnt get myself to say anything. I know that sounds horrible andI’m feeling a crazy amount of stress over it now. SO any advise on how I could possibly save this one would be appreciated, but I’m thinking I’m probably looking at a minimum of a slap in the face and being dumped here.
I just didnt think and honestly really dont know much about it to begin with. I guess I was going with the idea that since I’m not having outbreaks I’m not able to spread the virus…but the more I’ve read apparently that isnt true.
A lot of people are having unprotected sex these days – without discussing STD’s or getting tested for STD’s on a regular basis. That’s why STDs like genital herpes are so common. You certainly should have told her if you suspected that you had herpes. But it doesn’t sound like you have ever been properly diagnosed by a medical professional. It’s possible that your partner is also overdue for getting tested for STD’s and may even have an STD without knowing it. So read up on herpes and other STD’s, and then have a talk with her. You must tell her that you suspect that you have herpes and suggest that both of you go get tested for herpes and other STD’s asap. Tell your ex-wife to get tested too. Make sure that all of you get one of the “good” type-specific herpes IgG blood tests listed on this Herpes Blood Test Guide from ASHA (American Social Health Association).
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/HerpesBloodTestGuide.pdf
I visited this website, and loved the advice given on the words to use when telling someone you have herpes. I contracted the virus at the young age of 19 (I had a very painful initial outbreak). He did not tell me he had it, and it was extremely difficult for me to deal with the diagnosis. I am now 25, so I have had to deal with this issue for pretty much all of my sexually active life. I am now an attractive, funny, college-educated female and it still terrifies me when I have to disclose to a potential partner. Yes, I have had 1-night stands who I did not disclose to (condoms were always used). Other than that, I have disclosed my diagnosis to about 9 men thus far. It is always scary. I have never had someone reject me because of it though! I am currently dating a great guy (we haven’t yet had the talk or intercourse). The scariest part for me is trying to create the conversation. But this website helped me a lot.
I decided to share my story on here to hopefully help those who still need that last push to tell their partner they have H. Like many others, I’m sure… I researched and read other stories of people who had told their partners they had H. I drove myself crazy but reading the success stories helped a lot. I also have 2 females friends who have H and they have had so many success stories as well. One of my friends told 3 men and both were willing to work through it and make it work. My other friend, who has had it for over 10 years, has told numerous men (probably around 50) she had it and 99% of them were OK with it and continued to date/sleep with her. Amazing! Even with my friends’ own personal and great experiences, I was scared. But I finally told a guy I was super into that I had H. So… here’s my story, I hope it helps someone out there
I received H from my ex who cheated on me. He told me he didn’t know he had it but deep down, I don’t believe him. They night he gave it to me… he decided to use a condom. We hadn’t used a condom since our first few times of having sex so using one over a year later was bizarre and I knew then and there he gave it to me then. I had my first breakout 2 days later. He admitted to the cheating and continued to cheat (and I’m sure he did not disclose to other females he had H.) I finally got the courage to end it with him because of his excessive cheating. He was the 2nd man I ever slept with at the age of 24. So to say the least, I was absolutely devastated.
I was depressed for a few months. I didn’t have the desire to go out and I didn’t tell anyone I had it. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I should not have been, but the media has such a negative stigma on H. I finally started researching about H and realized how common it truly is. I finally learned I was NOT alone and there were websites for dating others with H and support groups. I even worked up the courage to tell a few friends I had it and they were so understanding. They even told me they wished I told them sooner so I wouldn’t have had to go through this alone. My friends are awesome, I know
And I tried out the websites for dating other people with H and that was OK. I met a few people but no spark with any and never dated any of them seriously.
Three years after being diagnosed, I started dating a guy I met through mutual friends. He was great and I wanted to tell him. However, I never got the courage to and things ended before we got intimate. I think things ended because he could sense I was holding back and he didn’t want to wait around for me. I just couldn’t get the words out to tell him and I guess I was not 100% comfortable with him.
Fast forward another year. Now 4 years celibate with H. I meet a new guy and right away we have this amazing chemistry. Felt like I’ve known him my whole life. He is super into me and so sweet and kind…. he’s perfect. And I am just so comfortable with him, I cannot believe it. I can’t really explain it but it felt… right. I was so in-like with him. I realize right away I will have to tell this one. There is no way around it. So, after a month of dating… I decided it’s time. I practiced my “speech” so many times with friends and by myself, I was confident it would go so smoothly. At first I’d practice and I’d cry. But eventually I got so good at it, I never cried during my practicing. I was ready to tell him.
Like the last guy, he could tell I was holding back and he didn’t understand why. I told him on the phone, the next time we hung out I would explain why I had walls up and such. A few days later I went over to his house. He cooked an amazing dinner and we laughed and had a great time as usual. He then asked if I was ready to have “that talk” with him. I didn’t think he’d bring it up but he did. I was nervous. I downed my wine and said to myself “it’s time.” So we laid on his bed, he got 2 inches in front of my face and waited for me to speak. I started off well but then just staring into his eyes, I started crying. (Yes, I know… all the help sites say do NOT cry when telling your partner. I am sorry I am human but I cannot help it. I cry when I’m really happy and I cry at the smallest things. I cry when others cry. I’m emotional…sue me! =P) I didn’t even get to the part about having H yet! But I was scared. When he saw the tears fall, he immediately hugged me and didn’t say a word. He just comforted me and waited until I was ready to speak again. And I literally had to FORCE myself to get the words out. “I have H.” Before I could say another word (I wanted to say it was his decision on how he wanted to move forward), he grabbed my face, looked into my eyes and said, “I accept you for who you are.” As you can imagine, I started crying again and he just held me. I cried for a few minutes and he told me again that he accepts me and he still thinks I am amazing. And that this does not change how he feels about me. He even asked if he could go kick my ex’s butt. (hehe). He was so sweet and comforting. It truly could not have gone better. I just wish I didn’t cry so damn much but being that this was the first guy I ever told and I that I was so into him… I couldn’t help it. I am only human and this took so much courage for me.
The next day he asked some questions about it and said he was familiar with H. This really did not surprise me since he is quite educated. I answered his questions and things stayed how they were with him…amazing. A week later he told me he had H, type I and that he only gets it on/in his nose. Very rare but he does have it. Of course this did not change how I felt about him either.
That same night we were intimate (I felt like I lost my virginity again, hehe) and things are still now going very well with him now. We are getting very serious and I am so glad I told him about H. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I haven’t been this happy in years. I definitely recommend telling your partner because you never know that he or she could be “the one.” It was definitely the hardest thing I ever had to do but it also had the greatest reward… I have an amazing man who accepts me for who I am. Please please… if you are reading this and debating on telling the new person you are dating… tell them! Either way you won’t regret it. It will either turn into something even more wonderful or you know NOW that this person isn’t meant for you. Honesty is the best policy. YOU CAN DO IT. I PROMISE.
Michelle. I dated a guy for 7 months…it was serious..but the relationship came to an end. I came to find out after that he had H. He never told me. I decided to be tested and I contacted him and basically asked him if he had the herpes virus. He denied it. I told him that I had some concerns and that I felt I should be tested. He turned it around on me and asked me if he should get checked out. I feel he did that because he did not want to admit that he had the virus. I basically told him that I was going to be honest with him. I appreciated the fact that we always used condoms. Always. At least he did the right thing in that respect. But I knew that he had a perscription for Valtrex…and he does not get cold sores. All he could say was that he didn’t appreciate me going through his things. No admitting that he had H..no apology for dating me for 7 months and never telling me. In retrospect I feel bad about how I handled the situation in asking him. But I have a hard time accepting the fact that this person who said he loved me…could be with me and never tell me he had the virus. I would have accepted him as he was because I cared about him and still do. But he felt it was ok to start a relationship and never tell me. Just curious as to your opinion..or anyone’s opinion. He isn’t speaking to me now..period…yet here I am …not holding a grudge because I truly cared about him….trying to make ammends as friends…and he is angry with me. I feel I have the right to be angry with him. And…I was tested today…so…I guess I will find out soon.
I understand that the DECEPTION is the first issue. They lose their credibility. What else are they lying or covering up right? The same thing happened to me. 6 months, never told – no condom. Yes, I have it now. A series of emotions are still with me for 2 years now. I felt violated. He has lied to numerous women and I am sure has spread it. Let’s face it. Men lie. I have in turn told men before sex and they run!!! They don’t want to be with someone for the rest of their lives – committed wearing a condom or also taking a risk with someone and ultimately contracting it and then it breaks off. . . I actually prefer condoms and the one time I trusted a guy and look what happens. The stigma to hsv2 is bad. Valtrex makes my hair fall out. Acyclovir is better. The guy who lied to me is happy go lucky and unscathed. He seems to feel that 90 percent of the population has it and its no big deal and all he could do is say “sorry” and then break up with me. Good Luck, I HOPE you don’t have it.