I just got informed that I have HSV and I’m devastated. I feel like it’s over. I see all the stories about people being in commited relationships… but what if you are not? How do you  tell the people you casually slept with before you knew you had it?   I feel like it is the end of the world.  If you have any good tips please let me know.  I can’t take this. 

Heartbroken

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Dear Heartbroken:

It’s very normal to feel the way you do right after finding out that you have genital herpes.  But remember – this is the worst of it, and you will feel better after some time has passed and after you learn the real facts about genital herpes.   Here’s what you should do right away:

#1: Get Support Immediately!  There are a number of support resources for people with herpes, both regional and national.  Call the National Herpes Hotline, and join a regional or national herpes support or social group, and TALK TO PEOPLE who already have this and have been living and dating with it for a while and know what you have been going through.  You will feel so much better after talking to people who are in the same boat and know more than you about what you can do.

National Herpes Hotline: 919-361-8488

Picking Up the Pieces Yahoo Group – Online Support for HSV and HPV
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/

Join your local regional herpes social or support group.  Listing can be found at http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpessocialandherpessupportgroups/

#2: Get educated about the real facts about genital herpes!  Herpes is extremely common and very manageable.  There are lots of things that you can do to reduce the frequency and intensity of any symptoms, and things you can do to dramatically reduce your risk of spreading it to your partner(s).  A lot of this information is available at DatingWithHerpes.org  – http://www.datingwithherpes.org.  Read through all of the information on this site, and then check out the Links section and go to other websites for even more information.

http://www.datingwithherpes.org

#3: Don’t buy into the stigma.  You are not a bad person or a dirty person just because you have genital herpes.  About 25% of adults in the US have genital herpes.  That’s tens of millions of people.  You are not alone!  The fact is, however, that most doctors don’t include the test for herpes even when they are testing patients for other common STD’s. And since most people who have genital herpes have no noticeable symptoms, or their symptoms are mild and infrequent, they honestly *think* they are *clean*, even when that’s not the case.  Even without syptoms, herpes can be passed between partners.  There are millions of people out there who don’t realize that they have herpes, who are having casual sex, and not using protection, and who are putting themselves and their partners at risk for acquiring one or more STD’s.  You are no better nor worse than other people just because you have genital herpes.  And maybe now, you’ll have the chance to help educate others about this very common virus that they may already have and not even know it.

#4 – If you want some helpful tips for how to talk to past partners and potential new partners to tell them about your genital herpes, go to: http://www.datingwithherpes.org/tellingsomeone/

Good luck!

DWH

I contracted genital herpes, got tested and found out it was from the HSV1 virus. I’m confused about a lot of things. I’ve read a lot about how HSV1 can be passed from oral to genital contact, but not a lot about how likely it is to be passed genital to genital. Now that I have HSV1 genital herpes, do I have to take the same precautions as someone with HSV2? If someone already has HSV1 in their mouth, could sex with me cause them to have a genital outbreak? Although I’ve never had a cold sore, could I pass the HSV1 to someone by kissing them? By giving them oral sex? If they give me oral sex, will they get oral HSV1? Since my first outbreak (which was very severe) I have never had another one. Also I am female. Do these things make it less likely that I will pass on the virus? My first outbreak was a terrible experience, and I do not want to cause anyone else to go through that, but I’m also not sure if I’m being overly cautious.

HSV1 Girl

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Dear HSV1 Girl:

That’s a lot of questions!  Here’s my best attempt to help you out.

- Many people have HSV1 genitally.  HSV1 can be passed to another via either genital or oral sex, just like HSV2.

- Yes, you will have to take the same precautions against spreading HSV1 just as you would with HSV2.

- 60-80% of the general population already have HSV1 orally.  Most people don’t realize that cold sores are the same thing as herpes (HSV1).  Most people don’t realize that it’s possible to spread HSV1 to another person via oral sex, even when they don’t have a visible cold sore.  A lot of people think oral sex is safe, and don’t use any sort of protection.  But anytime you are swapping body fluids, there is a risk of spreading something.

- Sorry you had a terrible first herpes outbreak.  Herpes affects each person differently based on a number of variables such as your own immune system, etc.   Most people with herpes don’t even know it because their symptoms are not noticeable, or are very mild and infrequent, and are mistaken for something else.  Other people get outbreaks all the time.  Some people have 1 outbreak and then never again.  Some people have symptoms only a few times a  year.  Even when someone is not having any symptoms, it is still possible for them to spread herpes to their partner because the virus can be shedding from the surface of the skin without causing any sores or symptoms.

- The only way to know for sure how often a person is shedding the virus without symptoms is to take part in a research study where your skin is swabbed on a daily basis and then tested for evidence of the virus.  In one study, the subjects tested positive for the virus on up to 10% of days, even when they had no symptoms.  But even in that study, each person was different.  Some people shed more often, and some people shed less often.   So each person is different.

- The good news is that by using Suppressive Therapy – taking daily Acyclovir or Valacyclovir – you can dramatically reduce the number of days of asymptomatic shedding.  In one research study, patients who took suppressive therapy shed the herpes virus only a fraction of a percent of the time.  So combining suppressive therapy with proper and regular use of condoms is a very effective way to reduce your risk of spreading the virus to someone else genitally.  If you use dental dams, then oral sex is safer too.

- Bottom line – HSV1 and HSV2 cause pretty much the same symptoms and one is not better or worse type of herpes than the other.  Both types of herpes can cause outbreaks either orally or in the genital region, or even on the buttocks, back or thighs.  The treatment options are the same.  The methods of reducing your risk of spreading it are the same.  However, everyone is different and may experience (or not experience) symptoms differently.  Most people with HSV1 and/or HSV2 got it from someone who wasn’t experiencing symptoms at the time, didn’t know they could spread it, and may not have even known that they had any form of herpes.

Now that you know that you have herpes, you can take precautions to reduce your risk of spreading it and by doing that, you’re a safer sex partner than most other people out there who have herpes and don’t know it and who are not taking suppressive therapy or using any protection.  Good luck!

DWH

I was diagnosed with genital HSV1 this summer and have not had many  opportunities to tell potential partners about it. I was wondering when the  appropriate time would be to tell my partner.

My doctor said that I  should postpone sex for at least 3 months, and I agree, but she also said that I  can wait just as long to tell my partner. The idea behind this is to form a  strong bond with the person to prevent him from becoming disinterested based on  my herpes. This is where I find myself confused. It is possible that my partner  could form feelings of love for me within three months?  Is it really fair to him  to keep this secret from him for so long? I believe that I would be angry to  learn of a secret such as this after becoming so involved with someone.

I feel that I would be comfortable to tell him at this point in our  relationship, but we have not been dating long and I worry that he may change  his mind about me and/or tell others of my secret.

Please don’t think  that I have an issue with self-esteem. I am simply trying to determine when he  might be ready to hear this news. I do not want him to feel that he was  manipulated if I wait until after he has developed deep feelings for me.

I hope you can help.

Trying to Do the Right Thing

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Dear Trying to Do the Right Thing:

There are many different opinions about when to first tell a potential partner that you have herpes. The only thing that most people agree on is that you should always tell a potential partner that you have herpes BEFORE you have sex with them, and give them enough time to learn more about it so that they can make an informed decision.

These are my own personal rules of thumb – and I welcome other people to make comments on this blog to add there own views.

- Your personal health information (such as herpes) is your own business – until you decide that you might like to be sexually intimate with someone. It may take a few or several dates to know if you are really interested in getting physical with someone. It’s different for each person. During that time, you may find out that the person you are dating has other issues (lying, cheating, substance abuse, anger management problems, poor hygiene, awful sense of humor, whatever) that make you decide they are not someone you want to be in a relationship with. So you move on. I see no reason to hurry into telling someone that you have herpes UNLESS you are pretty sure that you are interested in having sex with them, and vice versa. Only then does this information become relevant.

- When it becomes clear that you are interested in a sexual relationship with someone, THEN it becomes important for BOTH OF YOU to have a discussion about health and sexually transmitted diseases. For all you know, the person you are dating might also have herpes – and may or may not even know it since so few doctors test for it. Or they might have had previous partners who had herpes. If you don’t think you can talk about safe sex with your partner, then you probably have no business sleeping with them in the first place.

- You should make sure your partner has been tested for herpes recently – the blood tests results take about a week to come back – so you know his or her herpes status BEFORE you have sex. With this information, you’ll know how careful you need to be during sex. If they already have what YOU have, then you’ll still need birth control, but will not have to worry about giving them a virus they already have! For information on herpes blood tests, go to: Herpes Diagnosis.

- Different people react to the news in different ways. The more informed YOU are about genital herpes and the more informed THEY are, the more rational a decision you both can make. Sometimes, it just takes a little time for them to get the facts and sort out their feelings and decide if they want to move forward with the relationship. This is a reasonable response. If they care about you enough, and if you help them understand what can be done to reduce the risk of spreading HSV, they will often respond positively and appreciate your honesty. If not, at least they have taken the time to learn about HSV and decide how they want to proceed. If they decide not to move forward – they are rejecting the herpes, not you! Respect whatever choice they make.

- Some people think “herpes is no big deal – let’s go for it!” and that should be a warning sign that they may already have other STD’s that they don’t know about and don’t care about spreading! Stay away from these folks unless you want to pick up yet another STD! If people are non-chalant about STD’s, and don’t want to take the time to find out about how STD’s spread and how they can be avoided, they are irresponsible and put themselves and others at risk.

- The worst case scenario is that someone thinks they had a “right to know” about your herpes before they even started dating you, and accuses you of withholding information and wasting their time, etc. If so, you really don’t want to get involved with someone like that – who sees everything in black and white – and only their point of view is right. They may even already have herpes and not know it! Instead, they judge you. Who needs them!

- Whatever you decide is the best time to tell someone is YOUR CHOICE (as long as it’s BEFORE you have sex with them!) Each person is different and may have a different take on this.

- I’d love to hear other opinions on this subject! Please post your comments to this blog!

Thanks!

DWH

I may very well have been exposed to a girl with genital herpes and now I have a rash on my penis. My urologist (who doesn’t seem to know a lot about herpes) thinks I only have a fungal infection, but gave me a lab form for herpes blood tests anyway. My question to you is: How many weeks after my 1st outbreak should I wait to make sure I’ve built up enough herpes antibodies, to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that I really do or do not have herpes?

Waiting

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Dear Waiting:

Many doctors incorrectly diagnose herpes as a fungal infection, jock itch, ingrown hairs, friction, yeast infection, or any number of other things. This is extremely common, and very frustrating!

It takes about 12-16 WEEKS after you were first exposed to herpes in order to give the virus antibodies enough time to show up in your blood stream. Otherwise the test results may not be accurate and you might get a “false negative” result. If you take a blood test now, and the result is positive, then it is possible that you were already infected with the HSV2 virus BEFORE your encounter with this last person.

Statistics show that @ 20% of all US adults and 1 in every 4 women have the HSV2 virus, but most of them DON’T EVEN KNOW IT. This is because most people have mild, infrequent or even NO symptoms. And most doctors don’t routinely give blood tests for herpes even when they are testing you for other STD’s – unless you SPECIFICALLY request a herpes blood test. So most people have never been tested for herpes! Some people who become infected with herpes don’t have their first outbreak until YEARS after they were first infected. So unless you had a negative herpes blood test prior to having sex with this last person, you’ll never really know if you got herpes from HER, or someone else BEFORE her. It is possible to spread herpes even when there are no symptoms. Just think – one in every four of your previous sexual partners had genital herpes and probably didn’t know it! Safe Sex is always the best policy.

According to Dr. Gary A. Richwald, the Medical Advisor to LA HELP, as long as your doctor has ordered one of the GOOD herpes blood tests (such as the dual HerpeSelect 1 & 2), then the antibody test can be positive as early as 3 weeks after lesions appear. (But if the result is negative, it just might be too early to know.) After 16 weeks (four months), the vast majority of folks will have a positive test if infected. Doctors should order a test at the beginning (because some individuals are already asymptomatically infected from a previous exposure) and repeat the test at 3-4 months.

It’s very important to find out the Name and Manufacturer of the test your doctor is using and make sure it is one of the NEW, GOOD herpes blood tests which are very accurate. Unfortunately, many doctors and labs are still using some of the OLD, VERY INACCURATE blood tests that are still on the market. There is a list of the GOOD HERPES BLOOD TESTS and more information on our website at:

Insert Link.

Print out this information out for your doctor! And make SURE your doctor is using one of the newer, very accurate blood tests! If they don’t know the name and manufacturer of the test they are using, make sure they find out! You’ll be helping yourself, and you’ll be helping your doctor get educated about herpes so that they can better treat their future patients.

If your doctor still seems clueless, you can also order your OWN confidential herpes blood test from a local lab by going to: http://www.TSTD.org. It costs about $98 for the Herpes 1 & 2 screens. This company uses one of the GOOD herpes blood tests.

For more information, click here.

Good luck!

DWH

I was just diagnosed with H today. Its still all sinking in, but overall I think I’m taking it well. Of course its just the first day so we’ll see. As a 27 yo, I’ve been one of those dudes who thought he was invincible and that I couldn’t get an STD. Anyway I have a ton of questions… most importantly, I live with my folks and don’t want them to transmit H to them. Any advice would be great. Thanks!!

Prodigal Son

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Dear PS:

The herpes virus is very fragile and can only be transmitted by skin-to-skin  contact when the virus is active. You may wonder if someone can get herpes from  a toilet seat that you just sat on. However, there are no proven cases of  getting herpes from a toilet seat. According to the Mayo Clinic, “It’s very  unlikely that you would get genital herpes from a toilet seat. Most sexually  transmitted diseases (STDs) are transmitted only during sexual contact, either  by skin-to-skin contact or through exchange of bodily fluids. The microorganisms  — bacteria and viruses — that cause STDs such as genital herpes tend to be  sensitive to their surroundings and can’t survive outside the human body on a  surface like a toilet seat for very long.”

If you have HSV1 (usually  associated with Oral Herpes), you should know that most people already carry  that particular strain of herpes which is usually acquired in childhood from  kissing. Only occasionally do people have symptoms (cold sores) so it’s pretty  benign for most people. Some people have more frequent symptoms because of their  immune system or stress, etc.

If you have HSV2 (usually associated with  Genital Herpes), around 25% of all adults in the US already have it, and for  most people, the symptoms are mild and infrequent and lessen over time. There  are many couples where one person has herpes and the other does not.

In  any case, good hygiene is a great idea, especially when you are having an  outbreak. Soap and water kills the virus, as well as just being exposed to the  open air. You can’t spread herpes in a swimming pool or hot tub – unless you’re  having sex with someone there. So you shouldn’t worry about your parents getting  herpes from the toilet, bathtub, sink or shower. If you want to be extra sure –  go ahead and clean up after yourself for the mental security it will give you.  But really, as long as there’s no incest going on, your parents are safe.

DWH